Sometimes I wonder about my life and the way I’m living.
Other times I don’t. I see myself at
crossroads and jagged cliffs and I wonder how I’ve found my way there. Other
times I dismiss the curiosity and proceed, now-a-days with caution, but
formerly head first and with little consideration in the matter. There are
times when I sit, legs crossed and my back against the wall, sometimes my head
leaned back resting, holding me up, other times with my chin pointed at my
chest and head parallel to the floor. More often than not, there are tears of
salt and misery escaping from my eyes other times, and this is true more now
than ever, there are not; however when there are, anymore, they rain less and
less.
Back in the day I use to black out. Not just from an over
indulgence in alcohol but from rage so blinding my body would shake, my mind
would blank, and my frustrations, fears, and concerns would pour from me in a
volcanic explosion of sulfuric magma. I was an angry soul trapped in a vessel too
weak and limited to contain this emotion. I could not do the things I needed to
do. I could not say the things I needed to say. I could not be the person I
needed to be. The worst part was I could never figure out why. Why can’t I do
the things I truly want? Why can’t I say the things I want to say? Why is it I
can’t quite reach the finish-line and be the person I want to be…or everyone
expect me to be…or that I was destined to be…or that God has envisioned me to
be? I thought there was strength in reservation, restraint, in hiding your
emotions deep in the pit of yourself, in a box with a chain and a lock. But
soon found out that box is only locked for a time; A time such as it is
overflowing with so much frustration, fear, concern, rage, confusion that it
burst into flames, expelling its contents into the air, leaving you to “pick up
the pieces.”
I used to think my parents were to blame for why I could
never be all those things. I was wrong. I could easily blame society for
holding me back but that would be a horrible misconception as well. I could cry
that whoever I was dating at the time was the reason I had failed so completely,
“I’m too busy worrying about his shit to focus, clear-headedly, on my goals;”
lies to the pit and core of my soul. Though they are to blame in part, the only
person to blame for my short comings is the person typing these words. I was a
limited, single-minded being. I saw only whatI desired and then expected it
all to manifest from thin air no effort required. Nothing could be anymore
poisonous to a person than the pure unaltered condition of entitlement. But
then I saw myself, like a mirror, in others. I’m not quite sure when I changed.
I suspect it was gradually. I know for damn sure I’m not done. This evolution
is finite but the end is light years away. I ascertained this revelation
occurred somewhere between November and December of 2012. And my life’s experiences
continue to build upon it.
I started this free write with the intention to rant about
how far removed I am from the people around me. I feel like in my small group
of friends I have found individuals who think on the same plain as I do. We all
love a lot of the same things but we all share the same philosophies as well.
For example, none of us would belittle another person over something as
insignificant as misfired grammar on an irrelevant social media platform in
earnest, if we recognized said person was hurting. I just don’t understand how
a person could be so unobservant as to only see the minute writing error in a
message rather than the whole picture. But I guess there is my answer…they
don’t see the whole picture. The people I love do (well for the most part)! We
see life, and all its parts, and how important certain things are versus others,
and we choose our battles accordingly. We are wise beyond our years not because
we sat with our heads in books and studied (though majority of us have) but
because we live life and learned from our mistakes, and those of others and
have applied them to our current existence. We have grasped the concept of “don’t
sweat the small stuff” and apparently everyone else has not.
We have experienced loss on varying levels and not let it defeat us.
This concept baffles me! Why is everyone else not on this
same frequency as we are? Why are people so short sighted?
Many may have heard me say that I have lost all hope for
humanity. Sometimes I say this in jest but for the most part, this is the
truth. It is not me being dramatic. It is very true. I have. It’s only in small
glances that I think humanity is salvageable but there just aren’t enough
people like myself, and my group of friends, to fix this mess. ::: small case
of déjà vu:::
I’m sorry this free write is so negative. I’ve just been in
a peculiar head space recently. There has
been a major and abrupt change in my life and once again I am going to have to
evolve and adapt (though I really don’t want to). I feel this shift may be devastating
to me in which case, I may have to retreat within for a while. Hopefully,
everything will work out and hopefully those measures will not be necessary.
