A Sonnet for your Bleeding heart and more such sonnets

A Sonnet For Your Bleeding Heart

In these last few months I’ve learned

The end is never really the end

The feelings seep through and haunt you

The demons creep through and stalk you

The emotions run rampant and tear at your sanity

They fill you with doubt and confusion and dismay

They ask for your input, then toss it away

They leave you exhausted

A heap in your sheets and a mess in a pile

They ask you to stop and think for awhile

They twist and they turn your

Intention and esteem your

Heart bled clean
You’re a deer in the headlights victim

7.

There she hides in plain sight
She worries more than she plans
She hears more and listens than
She never fulfills her promise
There she is in hell or high water
Wipe your ass at a moment’s notice
Bare her breast to keep your trousers clean
Hold you close, listen to you scream
Abuse! Abuse! Abuse! and Neglect
Invisible bruises on her neck
Invisible stab wounds in her side
Invisible contusions behind her eyes
Though silence from her throat does rise
Take a moment and recognize

8.

The sun will never set on you
I promise too, no pain or hurt
The moon will always rise in love
The memory of, this touch and kiss
The Universe will return to you
Blissful gifts of
your heart’s desires
And these empty promises I keep
While you’re asleep; my beautiful Sire
I watch you though you ask me not to
Protect you though you need it not
I save you though you long to fix it
This tragically heroic plot
Save me Sir, I beg of you

9.

I’ve never felt this way before
Desire in me grows
From the depths of my sex to the tip of my nose
It stems from my toes as it builds at my spine
Your heart on your chest, dressed in “Nevin”; Divine
The curve of your belly
And the fullness of  lips
This kiss is forbidden; how I long for this kiss
To kiss your neither lips and in between your breasts
Where the fantasy of my face does rest
I want to spread you wide
And discover you deep
Create an arch in your back; an “O” in your lips
A moan in your throat and quiver in your hips

Honesty’s Fine Print

Every contract has it’s catch

Don’t believe anything different

They ask you to join their club and sign

On the dotted line

Better believe there’s another drift in it

Every contract has it’s curveball and slight of hand

Best believe the words I’m preaching

They give you the cash

They ask for it back

Plus more, no less; don’t be swindled.

But you would never think Honesty’s contract

Would be littered with fineprint conditions

You would think it’s the best bet

I’m here to tell you don’t believe it

There’s a catch to this euphoric concept; it’s hidden.

Give honesty open hearted, they ask you
Full disclosure, no half truths, no lies
But what they always forget to mention is
Reception is just as important as
The truth in the honesty unconfined.

Everyone wants honesty until they actually get it!

Be prepared that the honesty you get
Is not exactly the honesty you want
Dont be afraid to admit it.

Sonnets the Sequel

4.

She looked like the sun
With her bright eyes, bright smile, and radiant skin
She smelled like a meadow
Over populated with flowers
She sound like a dream
In the weary, dreary night of mist
Calm and cool and plump with bliss
Radiant and confident and never missed
She enters a room with grace and command
Never with lack of a man on her hand
When she smiles she is the sun
And the stars that surround her
And her cries, they are the thunder that rattle her world
Alone in her dreams, this magnificent girl.

5.

A man on the corner
Heart melting in his hand
His mind wonders from storefront to storefront
“Can you spare a moment?” it asks
But no one jumps to the task
 To save this gentleman’s heart
“It will only take a minute, or a decade, or the rest of his life,
For you to help him mend,
For you cannot comprehend the pain he is in or
The damage that laid waste to this man.”
“For I have seen his future
And my friend it is bleak
His love has run dry and his heart strings are weak!”
No woman will ever understand.

6.

This river is shallow
I can see the bottom and the mud where it resides
I can see the creatures that live there
I can almost spot them where they hide
I can feel the currents as they rush past
I imagine them as hands on my breasts
The water at my ankles
Half full/Half empty
This ocean is overwhelming
I can’t keep myself afloat
The salt it burns my eyes
And the waves they pound my throat
The currents push my head around and cause my brain to spin
I never know just what he wants; I seem to never win

Baby's First Sonnets Three

1.

Finding yourself at the center

Seeing yourself at the end

No matter what the journey be

The conclusion is the place where we

Long to find. Long to get.

Long to live and soon forget.

But in this path we see ourselves
And in these travels those selves we lose
And with these decisions we often chose
To be ourselves. To change ourselves
To ignore the beginning’s end
To wait stubbornly at the start
To start cautiously at the center
Or never make a move

2.

He walked inside the tunnel’s entry
The flames consumed all he knew
He proceeded with his arm’s protection
The heat it threatened; melting through
He reached the center of the tunnel
Wishing hoping for its end
He bent his knees gasping for air
For relief that death would send
On all fours he kissed the ground
Suffocation well in sight
He closed his eyes in cold surrender
And open them to blinding light.
The beeping steady sure and clear
Deep breaths, There’s no end here.

3.

The hues of blues and purples drip
Upon the naked canvas tip
And bleed into its many fibers
They watch the colors mix
They watch the pigments spread
They smell the scent they leave behind
They feel the moist consistency be
And in that passion feast and find
Awaken desire and longing three
And in the mix they turn to fire
Fire bright and crimson red
And as the heat consumes the canvas
They smear their lust, they press it deep
And in this painting ecstasy keep

Contemplating Eternity

Then at the end of the tunnel the light dimmed down and the trumpets faded. No need to steady my breathing at this point. The only logical conclusion was that death was eminent and no one would survive.

I leaned forward to get a better look but the tunnel would not allow it. The closer I got to the edge the stronger the pull. Like gravity on a planet too close to the sun; I could feel it crushing my bones.

I wasn't ready to go through just yet. Though part of me was curious about the world on the other side. Were they right? Was it over populated with angels? Or did they get it wrong and it was over run by demons? Was the life I left, the closest to heaven I would ever be? It sure felt like it at this point. Trapped in this limbo, trying to decide whether I stayed or whether I proceeded with caution.

"Personally, I don't believe in hell." Rodney said to me once. "'I believe hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.'" He constantly quoted Gaiman,  an attempt to seem intellectual. That statement in particular started a pretty heated debate between he and my Aunt Ruby.

"How could there be salvation from damnation of hell if we're carrying it with us everyday?"

"What do you think self-help books are for? Or therapy? Or addiction counseling?" The Chess match continued.

I sit here now, in this metaphor, positioned between the then and there, and I ponder Rodney's statement. I roll it between the grooves of my brain and consider the possibility. If I've been living with hell inside me everywhere I go, then what's at the end of the tunnel can't be that bad.

I stand, arch my back and press my way through the light. I inhale deeply because it almost feels like I'm suffocated by the pressure. Finally all of my efforts are rewarded and I emerge to the other side surrounded ....surrounded by more light...and heat...

Poetry is flowing from me like water...

"The most confused we ever get is when we're trying to convince our heads of something our heart knows is a lie." --Faefever Karen Marie Moning

#1
I fear this heart will explode
In moments you will see what I am made of
with my hurt lying on the floor.
You'll know where my soul has been
Lost in the wilderness of maturation and an aching need to be whole

What if he died?
What if he's gone forever?
What if he does not see
the pain as it spills to my knees from the hole in my chest to the toes of his feet?

Have I met him yet?
How will I know?
Will his pain throb with mine?
In a single beat with mine?
Or am I meant to be one of the greats
in a lonely sea of endless poetic prose and verse
"Suffer for your art and such. For your
wounds are not self-inflicted but genuine
and overwhelming."

"I see your beauty!
And you are beautiful!
Write your heart plain
 on this page and know
your agony is not in vain.
I will heal you make you whole.
Just be patient."

He says these things and walks away.
And I continue to bleed
From the hole in my chest
Where my heart use to be.


#2
I love the way you sneak back in
With concern and a offer of help
I will not be fooled
I cannot be fooled
Seriously I cannot go through this again

Thank you but no!
And you can take that check to the bank.
Endorsed to your account.
And you can place a hold on that amount.

Because I'll never be your fool again.

A Free-written rant that may offend but I hope it enlightens...

Sometimes I wonder about my life and the way I’m living. Other times I don’t.  I see myself at crossroads and jagged cliffs and I wonder how I’ve found my way there. Other times I dismiss the curiosity and proceed, now-a-days with caution, but formerly head first and with little consideration in the matter. There are times when I sit, legs crossed and my back against the wall, sometimes my head leaned back resting, holding me up, other times with my chin pointed at my chest and head parallel to the floor. More often than not, there are tears of salt and misery escaping from my eyes other times, and this is true more now than ever, there are not; however when there are, anymore, they rain less and less.

Back in the day I use to black out. Not just from an over indulgence in alcohol but from rage so blinding my body would shake, my mind would blank, and my frustrations, fears, and concerns would pour from me in a volcanic explosion of sulfuric magma. I was an angry soul trapped in a vessel too weak and limited to contain this emotion. I could not do the things I needed to do. I could not say the things I needed to say. I could not be the person I needed to be. The worst part was I could never figure out why. Why can’t I do the things I truly want? Why can’t I say the things I want to say? Why is it I can’t quite reach the finish-line and be the person I want to be…or everyone expect me to be…or that I was destined to be…or that God has envisioned me to be? I thought there was strength in reservation, restraint, in hiding your emotions deep in the pit of yourself, in a box with a chain and a lock. But soon found out that box is only locked for a time; A time such as it is overflowing with so much frustration, fear, concern, rage, confusion that it burst into flames, expelling its contents into the air, leaving you to “pick up the pieces.”

I used to think my parents were to blame for why I could never be all those things. I was wrong. I could easily blame society for holding me back but that would be a horrible misconception as well. I could cry that whoever I was dating at the time was the reason I had failed so completely, “I’m too busy worrying about his shit to focus, clear-headedly, on my goals;” lies to the pit and core of my soul. Though they are to blame in part, the only person to blame for my short comings is the person typing these words. I was a limited, single-minded being. I saw only whatI desired and then expected it all to manifest from thin air no effort required. Nothing could be anymore poisonous to a person than the pure unaltered condition of entitlement. But then I saw myself, like a mirror, in others. I’m not quite sure when I changed. I suspect it was gradually. I know for damn sure I’m not done. This evolution is finite but the end is light years away. I ascertained this revelation occurred somewhere between November and December of 2012. And my life’s experiences continue to build upon it.

I started this free write with the intention to rant about how far removed I am from the people around me. I feel like in my small group of friends I have found individuals who think on the same plain as I do. We all love a lot of the same things but we all share the same philosophies as well. For example, none of us would belittle another person over something as insignificant as misfired grammar on an irrelevant social media platform in earnest, if we recognized said person was hurting. I just don’t understand how a person could be so unobservant as to only see the minute writing error in a message rather than the whole picture. But I guess there is my answer…they don’t see the whole picture. The people I love do (well for the most part)! We see life, and all its parts, and how important certain things are versus others, and we choose our battles accordingly. We are wise beyond our years not because we sat with our heads in books and studied (though majority of us have) but because we live life and learned from our mistakes, and those of others and have applied them to our current existence. We have grasped the concept of “don’t sweat the small stuff” and apparently everyone else has not.

We have experienced loss on varying levels and not let it defeat us.

This concept baffles me! Why is everyone else not on this same frequency as we are? Why are people so short sighted?

Many may have heard me say that I have lost all hope for humanity. Sometimes I say this in jest but for the most part, this is the truth. It is not me being dramatic. It is very true. I have. It’s only in small glances that I think humanity is salvageable but there just aren’t enough people like myself, and my group of friends, to fix this mess. ::: small case of déjà vu:::

I’m sorry this free write is so negative. I’ve just been in a peculiar head space recently.  There has been a major and abrupt change in my life and once again I am going to have to evolve and adapt (though I really don’t want to). I feel this shift may be devastating to me in which case, I may have to retreat within for a while. Hopefully, everything will work out and hopefully those measures will not be necessary.